Mama(n) didn’t raise no fool.
With what it surely to be an EPIC first mother’s day for me (I’ve given O a list of my demands, which basically just includes saying “mama” and giving me a foot rub), it makes me think about all the things my own mother use to say or do.
First things first: look at my mom!! Yeah I know. One of my sister’s Russian friends from college once said (and i quote) “Nice, in my country they would go crazy over this one.” In the 27 years I’ve known her (yes, I’m counting time spent in utero) it doesn’t appear that she’s aged! Oh and yes, I do look pimp in this pic.
taken at my wedding duh
In French, Maman (silent ‘N’ but still makes a weird sound like that’s not like “A”) means mom. There you go you learned something today, you may now veg out in front of Game of Thrones…
So, back to Maman…here’s a list of my favorite or funny memories over the years, in random order:
1. When I was about 10 and Elise 5 (+/- 8 years) while we were visitig a cute town in france, some douche ran us over while we crossed the street, legally mind you, with his motorcycle. He said it malfuncted (puleeze). We weren’t seriously hurt but my mom snapped into action like a giant female goose protected her babies or nest (e.g. fucking ferocious). She dragged the guy off his motorcyle but not before flinging the liquid from what was my sister’s soda can into his face. I’m sure the fizziness blinded him momentarily so she had enough time to pull him to the ground. I don’t remember if she punched him but let’s say she did. My sister was so distraught…not b/c we had been run down by a motorcyle but because my mom spilled her soda. Good times.
2. She has the strangest dreams. One time while we lived in NJ, she had a dream that someone was in the house and had hung dry sausages everywhere during the night. She also said she woke up once and there was a devil beast, all black with red eyes, staring at her. That freaked me out for MONTHS and i became an insomniac paralized by fears of sausages and devils.
3. When we were little and my dad was traveling for business, she would use this opprtune time to serve us “junkish” food. What was considered junk food in my house was like something that wasn’t salmon. God we ate so much salmon. Like twice a week. I haven’t really been able to eat it much as an adult. But that’s ok, i bet I met my lifetime allotment for Omega 3′s before i reached age 15. So when Papa travelled, it was awesome. We ate pasta and meatballs, hamburger patties with elbow pasta and swiss, went to McDonald’s…pretty much all things my dad didn’t care for. I don’t remember it really, but dad must have travelled a lot since we hoarded enough Happy Meal toys to fill up two huge plastic bins.
4. One day while i was skinny dipping in our backyard pool I hear the ice cream truck. Not wanting to miss it, i grabbed a shirt that really only went to my belly button, grabbed some cash and ran outside butt naked to the tune of “do your ears hang low”. Picture an 10 year old running after a truck, butt flapping in the wind with her arms in the air waving dolla dolla bills and screaming “waaaaiiiitttt!!!”. My mom peed herself laughing as she watched it go down. I chased that sucker FAR, and probably not wanting to be on the exclusive sex offender list, the ice cream man never stopped. I came back tearful and barfoot but dry since the pool water had evaporated. Oh did I not mention i was soaking wet too? I looked like a chihuahua.
5. Her tuna salad. I bet she doesn’t even remember but in elementary school she would make my lunch and i can’t tell you how excited i was to eat it when i knew it was a tuna sandwich!
6. How she laughed at me and told our entire family in france within minutes of the incident happening that i had taken the car at age 17 to go literally 1 block and managed to fall into the open hole on the side of our driveway. The car had to be towed and luckily didn’t need repairs, just an alignment. Actually she laughed at me a lot.
There’s SO much more. But instead of listing them, I want to use this space to say MERCI to my mother for being an amazing person and even better mother. After you have your own kids, it’s crazy how fast you realize that as a child you were kind of a jerk to your parents. Like you didn’t really understand that they knew best or had plans for you. To me as a kid, I just wanted to run free naked chasing down strange men in trucks for candy (which i clearly did anyways), and my parents were just killing my mojo with all their rules. So, lesson learned. I totally get it.
Love you maman!!!